Mary Hegarty (nee Gleeson)

My mother-in-law passed away today. As is tradition (along with my grandfather, and Tony my father-in-law) I like to put  some memories together to look back on.

When I first met Mary, she was the stereotypical Irish mammy – constantly pottering about in the kitchen, always looking after everyone else and never sitting down herself. The verdict after that first meeting was “he’d be a grand fella if it wasn’t for that spike” – a few years later my piercing disappeared so I guess I graduated to being a grand fella!

Mary was content to be in the background – happy not to be the centre of attention. I could relate. We were both married to talkers! Often we sat silently at the kitchen table while everyone else talked around us.  A lot of our connection was through small gestures – her eye roll when Tony was telling a story she’d already heard a hundred times, tuts of disapproval while smiling at the same time, a little wink when there was some devilment (“I don’t know how I reared 7 children”, “Because you only half reared them Mary”!) sometimes followed by a playful punch if I was within hitting distance!

When Eve came along, with her stories and singing and dancing, Mary would light up and tap along to her “little entertainer”. And as dementia took hold, Eve couldn’t believe how Mary still always got her the most thoughtful presents every Christmas. Every time Eve was in a church, she said a prayer for her and Mary was often on her mind – yesterday telling me through tears “if I accidentally get married she won’t be there”.

Dementia is heart breaking.

Finally, to Edel. All too often, wives only get public praise during the wedding day speech! I’m very proud of all you did for your mother. From the moment your dad confided in you that she needed help, you leapt into action and selflessly devoted yourself to helping her. You visited every single day on your lunch break to check in and make sure she had eaten, turning down career opportunities that would have meant you couldn’t call in. You signed up to Alzheimer’s courses and researched everything there was to know about the disease so you were always two steps ahead and prepared. You knew every single pill in her pillbox – what it was for, what it looked like and when it needed to be taken. You became the expert, the person who dealt with everyone else’s questions, the contact person for the professor/nurse/carers, the one who jumped in whenever there was cover needed. And for everything you did that was obvious, there was so much more behind the scenes – from the endless research, organising, scheduling, managing, surprising the Alzheimer’s society with cake and going above and beyond to look after the carers. When you got sick yourself and couldn’t do it any more, you felt guilty. But trust me, you went above and beyond what your dad asked of you. Your mother was fortunate to have a daughter so willing to put her own life on hold and prioritise looking after her. I am very proud of you, and Eve is lucky to have you as her mother. What goes around, comes around.

Author: Kevin

56 Comments

  31. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful tribute. You were all so fortunate to have known and loved “your Mary”. She will be with you always. ♥️

     Reply

  32. What a lovely lady you had as your mother in law Kevin.
    Im sure she was very proud of you all.
    We should all have someone like Edel to take care of us.
    Losing someone you love is so hard.
    I wish you all peace and blessings.

     Reply

  53. Kev.. so sorry to hear this, please give Edel a huge hug for me. I only asked after you all this morning while chatting with Glenn.. so very sorry to hear. Sending hugs xx

     Reply

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